I tried it with both the card reader in and out, unplugged a bunch of peripherals before booting up, etc. Didn’t have an effect. The only notable thing is that instead of the main monitor, the screen would only display on the connected Cintiq. I’ll provide more info when I get to the machine again.
I’d try the most obvious stuff first: in chroot, reinstall all kernels you have. And if you only have one, try some other one.
Why does script need to run -Scc like 5 times though? 
Well, I looked up how to chroot, but I can’t even get into tty2 to type in the inxi command to provide more system info. Once that kernel panic screen comes up, no keyboard combination does anything.
How do I go about doing that? Do I need a live USB stick? Anyone got a good tutorial to link me to?
I’d like to note that when it comes to Linux, I am still a dumbuser.
Yes.
To automatically chroot from live iso, try:
manjaro-chroot -a
Well, when you looked up how to chroot
what did you find?
because:
to chroot, you have to boot from an USB - like when you first installed your system
… or, more generally, from another existing system, which has access to the one you want to …access/fix
and from there
chroot into the Manjaro system
What you say does not sound like you where doing that.
Or is there indeed a kernel panic when you boot the installation ISO from USB?
I love the belligerence, but this was the first google response to “chroot manjaro”
and it only passingly mentions a live system in the original post. I am sorry, I’ll try to be better with my reading comprehension. The tutorial doesn’t start with “First, make a live USB stick”, so I got confused and came back here.
Oh, you assume too much my friend.
If you read it as such, I can assure you that it was not meant this way.
Only to give you the hint that you likely needed. 
Ok, once I get into the chroot with a live USB stick, how the hell do I proceed fixing the kernel? Is there an easy to follow guide somewhere, or do I need to provide more info once I get into chroot with inxi?
provide info on what kernels do you have installed first:
mhwd-kernel -li
I’ll do that. The afflicted system is some 20 miles away, so I’ll post the results again later.
mhwd
and
mhwd-kernel
are, I believe, the commands to do these tasks from the command line
once you are inside your Manjaro system - it will be command line only … in a terminal or a TTY …
Can’t point you to resources how to use those commands - but you’ll find that or someone else will be happy to guide you.
If you can get into the system via ssh (for example)
… if it is running, no kernel panic yet …
then you can do it this way - no chroot needed
just access to a TTY
Huh? Just reinstall kernels. Guide is in man pacman 
mhwd-kernel is the better tool to do that - for Manjaro
else you’d need to install the kernel, then update grub and perhaps another thing I forgot about … to achieve the same
Or that, sure. 
Nah, pacman has hooks for that - it updates grub and remakes initramfs images.
mhwd-kernel is just a simple bash script that calls pacman tbh.
Thanks! I’ll post the results once I get to try it.
you just chroot using this command:
sudo manjaro-chroot -a
and thats it, you are chrooted…
but before that, do you have installed different kernels?
I think I do have, yeah. I’ll post them in a bit.
so did you tried booting with them to see if you have kernel panic also with them?
Yes, with all of them.
The third option also has a duplicate. I am so far unable to boot from the live USB I made, I hope I didn’t screw anything up
5.13 is eol, so you would have problems booting with it anyway … and those are old kernels, you didnt update for a very long time … so boot into the live usb, connect to internet and chroot, then we will continue
edit: just notice you mentioned you are not able to boot from the usb?